I had a song on my mind I wanted to hear and being sure of who sings it, I pulled out all my CDs of this artist and began searching for it. Not there. I was sure I had it so I looked through my CDs again, went through my Ipod and MP3 player and still couldn’t find the song by the artist I was sure performed it. While listening to my Ipod though, I found the song and low and behold it was by another artist! I was wrong! I spent at least an hour looking where I never would have found the song.
Oh my that spoke volumes to me. We spend a lot of time looking, pursuing things through which we’re sure we’ll find what we’re looking for. Sometimes we find the perfect answer or the perfect thing only to find it didn’t do for us what we were sure it would. You know, I’m sure you’ve done it too: the perfect person, perfect house, perfect job…and after we’ve found it we pursue something else.
I sometimes long for the time I’ve wasted in empty pursuits back. I want a do-over, or at least a chance to refocus and do things better; I want a better pursuit!
I just can’t trust myself and what I think…a lot. Often I find I’m wrong. For weeks now Proverbs 3:5-6 has come to me through messages from friends, sermons, emails, devotionals, you name it. I’m sure my Daddy-God is trying to tell me not to rely on/bank on/depend on my own understanding of things and I’m seeing He’s so right. If I think on then act on what I perceive without prayerfully talking to Him for guidance my goodness, I’d be in some serious mess.
I’m learning now more than ever through this healing/restoration process to listen to Him more and me less. My feelings and emotions can’t be allowed to rule me. I must let Him rule me. That’s what His being “Lord of my life”, I’m learning, is really all about.
Part of my choosing to live requires me to let go of things, even some things that mean a lot to me. One of those things is creating flower arrangements and placing them on my sister’s grave…though not for the reason you may think.
My father’s wife won’t allow his daughter (me) to put flowers on his grave so since Thanksgiving last year, I’ve been placing two arrangements on her grave, one for her and one for Dad.
Anyone who knows me knows how very much this means to me. It’s therapeutic and makes me feel that I’m still doing something for them. This includes Dad’s wife but she’s extremely mean and vindictive. She’s ruined the peaceful atmosphere at the cemetery, threatened to shoot me if I step foot on the land that he loved (as did I) and has thrown my flowers away twice.
You see, it’s my nature to keep fighting for what’s right. It’s “right” for a woman to be able to place flowers on her father’s grave as well as her sister’s. It’s my right to do that…but is it worth it?
They’re not there anyway! They’re with me in my heart. I can celebrate them and who they are (and always will be) to me in many different ways. I even have a “memory garden” where I live where I can place flowers anytime I want! Why keep going back to the place of the dead when I can honor them in living places?
I hate to lose what’s right! It’s so….wrong! But I see that breaking all ties, even the right things and rightful ties would be better in this instance.
Doing right things…and things that are my right…when it causes me pain isn’t such a good idea. This torment and all that goes with it has been life long. I don’t wish to hurt anymore. I’ll be creative and honor them in any way I choose that she can’t hurt me with.
If you revisit a “dead place” which constantly causes pain you may want to think about some of the things I’ve said. Sometimes we simply have to let everything…and I mean EVERYTHING go. Yes it’s not fair and yes it hurts…but maybe this pain of letting go is the first stage of healing.