I had a song on my mind I wanted to hear and being sure of who sings it, I pulled out all my CDs of this artist and began searching for it. Not there. I was sure I had it so I looked through my CDs again, went through my Ipod and MP3 player and still couldn’t find the song by the artist I was sure performed it. While listening to my Ipod though, I found the song and low and behold it was by another artist! I was wrong! I spent at least an hour looking where I never would have found the song.
Oh my that spoke volumes to me. We spend a lot of time looking, pursuing things through which we’re sure we’ll find what we’re looking for. Sometimes we find the perfect answer or the perfect thing only to find it didn’t do for us what we were sure it would. You know, I’m sure you’ve done it too: the perfect person, perfect house, perfect job…and after we’ve found it we pursue something else.
I sometimes long for the time I’ve wasted in empty pursuits back. I want a do-over, or at least a chance to refocus and do things better; I want a better pursuit!
I just can’t trust myself and what I think…a lot. Often I find I’m wrong. For weeks now Proverbs 3:5-6 has come to me through messages from friends, sermons, emails, devotionals, you name it. I’m sure my Daddy-God is trying to tell me not to rely on/bank on/depend on my own understanding of things and I’m seeing He’s so right. If I think on then act on what I perceive without prayerfully talking to Him for guidance my goodness, I’d be in some serious mess.
I’m learning now more than ever through this healing/restoration process to listen to Him more and me less. My feelings and emotions can’t be allowed to rule me. I must let Him rule me. That’s what His being “Lord of my life”, I’m learning, is really all about.
Part of my choosing to live requires me to let go of things, even some things that mean a lot to me. One of those things is creating flower arrangements and placing them on my sister’s grave…though not for the reason you may think.
My father’s wife won’t allow his daughter (me) to put flowers on his grave so since Thanksgiving last year, I’ve been placing two arrangements on her grave, one for her and one for Dad.
Anyone who knows me knows how very much this means to me. It’s therapeutic and makes me feel that I’m still doing something for them. This includes Dad’s wife but she’s extremely mean and vindictive. She’s ruined the peaceful atmosphere at the cemetery, threatened to shoot me if I step foot on the land that he loved (as did I) and has thrown my flowers away twice.
You see, it’s my nature to keep fighting for what’s right. It’s “right” for a woman to be able to place flowers on her father’s grave as well as her sister’s. It’s my right to do that…but is it worth it?
They’re not there anyway! They’re with me in my heart. I can celebrate them and who they are (and always will be) to me in many different ways. I even have a “memory garden” where I live where I can place flowers anytime I want! Why keep going back to the place of the dead when I can honor them in living places?
I hate to lose what’s right! It’s so….wrong! But I see that breaking all ties, even the right things and rightful ties would be better in this instance.
Doing right things…and things that are my right…when it causes me pain isn’t such a good idea. This torment and all that goes with it has been life long. I don’t wish to hurt anymore. I’ll be creative and honor them in any way I choose that she can’t hurt me with.
If you revisit a “dead place” which constantly causes pain you may want to think about some of the things I’ve said. Sometimes we simply have to let everything…and I mean EVERYTHING go. Yes it’s not fair and yes it hurts…but maybe this pain of letting go is the first stage of healing.
Here’s the deal. I have someone in my life who’s done their best to literally kill me. This person has stolen from, lied to and about me; I could go on and on but I won’t. They’ve done this since I was 12 (my first memory). They do enough to tweek the truth and deceive so that even I have had to stop and question whether it’s me or not. They’re very deliberate and mean to cause pain. They’re intentional in that they target what they know will hurt the most. I find myself wondering when the next “shot” will be. I get wrapped up in my feelings: hurt, anger which leads to depression. Pretty soon I’m a tearful and sad mess. It breaks me all over again…or it did until now.
I’m sick of being a victim and I’m sick of that mentality. I’ve been disregarded, manipulated and been made to feel like a “less than” all of my life. No more. I’ve chosen to believe…even if I have to talk myself into believing…that I am who God says I am. To do that I realize it won’t come easily or naturally because we come to believe how we’re treated. As anyone who’s been an abused child or a battered spouse. If you hear it and feel it long enough you tend to think you somehow deserve it.
I’m learning I must “take my thoughts captive”; snatch them and turn them around. I must intentionally “think on these things, what is good, pure” and pleasing to Christ. I must think about TRUTH. And I must pray about everything. (Philippians 4:6-9). When a memory comes and I start dwelling I must be quick to “snatch” it, stop it and turn it into truth and what God says to do. Verse 9 says if I DO this I’ll have the “peace of God”.
The battle starts in the mind. Yes it happened. It was real and the pain lingers today from that ugly lifelong truth. I don’t have to make myself feel like I felt. I can control what I think about thus controlling how I feel. And I intend to. My nemesis has won their last battle. I choose to not react; I choose to be proactive. I’m on the offense and will control my territory and I will progress. Will you?
If we replace negative painful thoughts with what verse 8 says to think about we’ll keep peace and no more damage can be done. Replace the gruesome with God and you’ll feel and act better. I guarantee it!
If you wake up and immediately start focusing on what’s wrong, and how you wish things were different then you’ve started off on the wrong foot. Granted if you’ve lived at all there’s plenty to be troubled about. You’re justified to be distraught if you can’t make ends meet. You have every right to be sad and feel empty if you’ve lost something or someone…and let’s face it. Loss is something we all know too well. Here’s the deal though…you get to decide how you react and where you go from here. No matter what, you can control the temperature of your day.
In a minute you can decide whether you’re going to be angry, depressed or grateful. Chin up…or chin down, it’s up to you. Listen to this “seasoned saint”. The older I get the more I know that perspective is foundational to your countenance. Do others see a miserable person when they see you? Or do they see someone who’s weathered some pretty nasty storms, loss, unfairness and sadness and thinks, “wow…to see them you’d never know they’d been through what they have.”
If you start out thinking about what’s wrong, what you don’t have and all the bad you’ve killed the day. If you start out being grateful to see another day, you’re able to get out of bed and your Heavenly Daddy-God has many blessings in store for you if you’ll just believe that and look for them.